A turning Point

For as long as I can remember I've suffered from some sort of anxiety or depression. I had one panic attack in high school after something happened to a family member that left me conscious of the horrors of the world and how alone yet surrounded we always are. I was bullied as a child and, I think this is a majority of where my fears come from. I constantly feel out of place and alone while always just wanting to be noticed and loved. I fear putting myself out there for fear of rejection, but I'm weird and crazy. I feel most at home with myself when I have crazy hair or let myself be free which causes me to get noticed. I think maybe I want to be noticed or give people a reason to notice me.

For the first time in my life I've let my mother know how I've felt all these years. A constant depression that pushes against my head. It's always there. Even when I thought that I'd pushed it away it was still there waiting to resurface.

I constantly find it difficult to communicate. I'm horribly forgetful and I lose my train of thought all the time. I rearrange words in sentences. I'll say feet when I mean shoes and vice versa as an example. I feel that no one understands that it is so difficult to even just talk to others without getting frustrated. And then they get upset and think I'm not listening or don't care. Or they'll interrupt me while I'm speaking I forget completely what I was trying to say and have to start all over from scratch. I've felt all alone and that no one could relate. I hope that if there's someone else out there like me that they realize that there's someone to relate to. That neither of us is alone in the world with how we feel.

I've been in fear of being labled crazy or having a mental illness so while I admitted to myself that something wasn't right I was in denial to everyone around. My best friend deals with similar things and we help each other and are there to listen to each other I don't think we're enough for each other. If I'm labeled or have high premiums on insurance for the rest of my life so be it but maybe one day I'll finally be truely happy. Maybe I won't have this feeling forever lingering within my head that won't go away. The fear that it will consume me and I'll hurt myself and by doing so hurt the people I care most about is what's pushed me to this point.

I want to be happy and I deserve to be. I have depression and probably so much more. I'll be going to therapy soon and I hope I'll finally have a diagnosis and help that I need. Maybe I'll be truly happy finally once and for all.

~Insanity Unraveling