Bad Day

Today's a bad day. Yesterday was too. Which kindof sucks considering that Saturday I had a conversation with my ex. We got some stuff behind us. The eharmony commercial's on. It always used to make me so happy to see. Today not so much. The dream of us forever is gone and I have to move on. I feel all crappy. I've got that odd pressure on the side of my head along the front of it. I feel a haze of sadness with no explanation as to why. Sure the break up sucks but in the long run it's for the best. Plus I'm . . . I'm not happy for it but it's better now. I won't have to live up to his expectations. Be his perfect non crazy girlfriend. I won't hear his bitching about my childish interests or my love of vampire movies. No more fighting with him, because he says I'm not trying. He gave up on us along time ago when he started giving me fucking ultimatums. It got so annoying to push myself. I felt like I had to prove I loved him, when for the past year and a half everything I did was for him. I put him first. We showed our love in different ways. I loved everything about him. Even him being such a fucking ass hole. AND HE WAS AN ASSHOLE! He was a bully and could be just downright mean. He preached about being a pacifist, but he reminds me of how teenage girls can act. He would say such degrading and hurtful things about other people. He never did them to me. . . he did a little. He would say these such little remarks. Maybe he didn't mean them to be mean. But as I've done so much of since our break up. I'm realizing in an almost ephiany sort of way that he did say mean things. Tiny comments about my weight or when I'd bring up my hair and cutting it. He'd say he wouldn't think it was sexy or that he liked long hair on women. OR THAT HE'D BE LESS ATTRACTED TO ME! WTF?! Who does that. Sometimes I feel bitter. I gave him all my love. I was there for him when he needed me. I thought nothing of it. That's what  love is. Acceptance and Passion. Giving everything of yourself to someone and expecting nothing back. Nothing except what you're giving in I guess.

Now I realize I'm bitching. And I'm not admitting my guilt. But I feel like what he was expecting of me was. . . I don't know. Not fair. From the begining I told him I didn't care about money or people's standards. Gah I can't even write anymore. I'm just feeling frustrated.

 We both did things wrong. We both expected things of each other that neither of us could reach. He wanted me to be his perfect woman. One without flaws I think. I just wanted someone to love me and accept me for everything that I am. I'm not perfect. I don't try to be. I'm weird and odd. I'm a freaking dork. I'm a dorky freak. I'm that weird girl that's never fit in anywhere except with my equally if not more weird best friend. I may not have love with a partner. But one day I will. Until then I have my family and my weird best friend who will always be there for me. Just as I'll be for her. We can talked about anything without fear of the other judging us. We can talk about cupcakes and unicorns. We can talk about murderers and bloody guts. From the soft fluffy to the deranged oddities.
I'm stopping now.

In other news, Doctor Who can beat Jay Leno in a car race.XD haha. I love British television. I think I'll run away there one day. I miss Europe Terribly some days.