Bad Day

Today's a bad day. Yesterday was too. Which kindof sucks considering that Saturday I had a conversation with my ex. We got some stuff behind us. The eharmony commercial's on. It always used to make me so happy to see. Today not so much. The dream of us forever is gone and I have to move on. I feel all crappy. I've got that odd pressure on the side of my head along the front of it. I feel a haze of sadness with no explanation as to why. Sure the break up sucks but in the long run it's for the best. Plus I'm . . . I'm not happy for it but it's better now. I won't have to live up to his expectations. Be his perfect non crazy girlfriend. I won't hear his bitching about my childish interests or my love of vampire movies. No more fighting with him, because he says I'm not trying. He gave up on us along time ago when he started giving me fucking ultimatums. It got so annoying to push myself. I felt like I had to prove I loved him, when for the past year and a half everything I did was for him. I put him first. We showed our love in different ways. I loved everything about him. Even him being such a fucking ass hole. AND HE WAS AN ASSHOLE! He was a bully and could be just downright mean. He preached about being a pacifist, but he reminds me of how teenage girls can act. He would say such degrading and hurtful things about other people. He never did them to me. . . he did a little. He would say these such little remarks. Maybe he didn't mean them to be mean. But as I've done so much of since our break up. I'm realizing in an almost ephiany sort of way that he did say mean things. Tiny comments about my weight or when I'd bring up my hair and cutting it. He'd say he wouldn't think it was sexy or that he liked long hair on women. OR THAT HE'D BE LESS ATTRACTED TO ME! WTF?! Who does that. Sometimes I feel bitter. I gave him all my love. I was there for him when he needed me. I thought nothing of it. That's what  love is. Acceptance and Passion. Giving everything of yourself to someone and expecting nothing back. Nothing except what you're giving in I guess.

Now I realize I'm bitching. And I'm not admitting my guilt. But I feel like what he was expecting of me was. . . I don't know. Not fair. From the begining I told him I didn't care about money or people's standards. Gah I can't even write anymore. I'm just feeling frustrated.

 We both did things wrong. We both expected things of each other that neither of us could reach. He wanted me to be his perfect woman. One without flaws I think. I just wanted someone to love me and accept me for everything that I am. I'm not perfect. I don't try to be. I'm weird and odd. I'm a freaking dork. I'm a dorky freak. I'm that weird girl that's never fit in anywhere except with my equally if not more weird best friend. I may not have love with a partner. But one day I will. Until then I have my family and my weird best friend who will always be there for me. Just as I'll be for her. We can talked about anything without fear of the other judging us. We can talk about cupcakes and unicorns. We can talk about murderers and bloody guts. From the soft fluffy to the deranged oddities.
I'm stopping now.

In other news, Doctor Who can beat Jay Leno in a car race.XD haha. I love British television. I think I'll run away there one day. I miss Europe Terribly some days.

True Love

I recently got out of a relationship that straight from the beginning there was an instant attraction. Love at first site. Something I'd never believed in before I met him in person. It makes me sad and happy to think about. Until recently I thought we could be soul mates. I'm not so sure any more. We are very different people and I think we both need very different things from the people we're in committed relationships with. I want someone to grow old with. To love and accept for the wondrous crazy person they are. To accept their faults and weaknesses. I don't think I ever got that fully from him. I loved him so dearly and so fully that it's so hard to think about not having that with him, but that's just the way things go. I know that I need that in return 100%. I think I'm a very strong person but I have my fears and worries. My fear of acceptance. My depression that seems to eat away at my very soul. I know he needed someone to stimulate him in every aspect of life. An equal to challenge him. I know that I didn't give that to him and that I'm sorry for that. I wish we could have been what the other needed. In the beginning we were, but not anymore. I hope we'll be friends again one day. He's a wonderful man including all his faults. It'll take time but I know we'll both move on and find the one other person that meets what we need. That person that we can give 100% of ourselves to. I look forward to that day for both of us. One day far away from now I know I'll be able to love another as fully and as deeply as I loved him. Not anytime soon. But with time the heart can heal itself. It always does.

We're such fragile and strong creatures. All at the same Time.

Art Communication

I feel that art helps me communicate considering that I am so horrible with words. I can’t get my feelings out right. When I’m drawing I become much calmer and happier almost immediately. 

I’ll draw in a style that fits my mood. I can draw realisticly when I’m ambitious enough and sortof mellow. 

When my hands all twitchy and I’m frazzled realism come out horribly but I can kick out some pretty bad ass weird stylized drawings like BIG eyes and super curvy torsos with tiny arms. 

I’m pretty good at hair all the time. I like to imagine them as they are. As each individual strand. Hair’s not just one giant piece on top of someone’s hair. It’s all of the individual parts that make up something more. I even think of eyebrows that way!

I’ve recently gotten into abrstract sortof things by taking inspiration from nature. I take the small shapes that make up a flower or tree and imagine them in different colors to give a sense of mood that I want to achieve.

I feel like my brain has never been this creative and all the possibilities scare me and make me so thrilled all at the same time.

I’m hoping to become more ambidextrous too in order to use the other side of my brain more. I’m right handed and I really can’t do anything with my left. I’ve read/learnt that streghtening the muscles is a good start. 

-Brushing teeth with opposite hand

-Using spoons and forks

-Practicing writing your name

-Repeating Letters

-Writing the same thing at the same time (Writing the letter A simultaneously with both hands)

http://meagsfitzgerald.blogspot.com/search/label/ambidextrous

http://vimeo.com/19451210

A turning Point

For as long as I can remember I've suffered from some sort of anxiety or depression. I had one panic attack in high school after something happened to a family member that left me conscious of the horrors of the world and how alone yet surrounded we always are. I was bullied as a child and, I think this is a majority of where my fears come from. I constantly feel out of place and alone while always just wanting to be noticed and loved. I fear putting myself out there for fear of rejection, but I'm weird and crazy. I feel most at home with myself when I have crazy hair or let myself be free which causes me to get noticed. I think maybe I want to be noticed or give people a reason to notice me.

For the first time in my life I've let my mother know how I've felt all these years. A constant depression that pushes against my head. It's always there. Even when I thought that I'd pushed it away it was still there waiting to resurface.

I constantly find it difficult to communicate. I'm horribly forgetful and I lose my train of thought all the time. I rearrange words in sentences. I'll say feet when I mean shoes and vice versa as an example. I feel that no one understands that it is so difficult to even just talk to others without getting frustrated. And then they get upset and think I'm not listening or don't care. Or they'll interrupt me while I'm speaking I forget completely what I was trying to say and have to start all over from scratch. I've felt all alone and that no one could relate. I hope that if there's someone else out there like me that they realize that there's someone to relate to. That neither of us is alone in the world with how we feel.

I've been in fear of being labled crazy or having a mental illness so while I admitted to myself that something wasn't right I was in denial to everyone around. My best friend deals with similar things and we help each other and are there to listen to each other I don't think we're enough for each other. If I'm labeled or have high premiums on insurance for the rest of my life so be it but maybe one day I'll finally be truely happy. Maybe I won't have this feeling forever lingering within my head that won't go away. The fear that it will consume me and I'll hurt myself and by doing so hurt the people I care most about is what's pushed me to this point.

I want to be happy and I deserve to be. I have depression and probably so much more. I'll be going to therapy soon and I hope I'll finally have a diagnosis and help that I need. Maybe I'll be truly happy finally once and for all.

~Insanity Unraveling